Saying Goodbye

Why is it that one day makes everyone start over?  New Year’s Eve is essentially just another 24 hours, but for some reason, it means so much more to so many.  We could start over on any day we wish, but a lot of us wait for the new year to do new things.

I have to say, I am thrilled that today is December 31^st.  I never want to revisit this year.  I want to leave it and never look back, but as I thought that, I started to look at all the photos and memories from this year and there were some fantastic times.

I have to admit that right now, I have a really hard time when I pray and I thank God for everything. I guess I should clarify, I have no issues praying and thanking God, but when I have been asked to pray at family events, I have a really hard time.  I find it so hard to thank God for bringing us all together when my mom is gone.  I think I have done a really good job of not holding anger for losing my mom, some days are hard, but when I look back on this year, there is no way I can feel a lot of anger because there is so much good.  So, what has this year taught me?

• The Lynn I was in December of 2017 is not the Lynn I am today. I have a lot of traits about me that are the same, but I’m a completely different person. Because of that person, my relationships have changed. The way I parent has changed, the way I interact with people has changed, my marriage has changed. I am different.
• I did things this year that I never, ever thought I could or would have to do. There were a lot of them that were horrible, but the worst one of all was carrying my mom’s ashes from the funeral home to my car to my house. I cannot describe the feeling of holding on to the very last physical thing you have of one of the very closest people in your life. The strength I had to do that was something I didn’t know I even had, but in life, there are a lot of times we have to do things we never thought we would have to do and 2018 showed me that many, many times.
• I have amazing friends. My friends are the best, loyal, loving people. I cannot tell you the many times they have showed up and just been there, been there to help, been there to listen, been there to laugh with, been there to enjoy memories with. Some of my best memories this year involve my closest friends and life would be so boring without them.
• I learned a lesson in money this year. For the last few years, money wasn’t too much of a struggle in our house. This year, money wasn’t a struggle at all. I cannot tell you how many years that we struggled when it came to money. That the money struggle was our largest struggle and now; we haven’t had to deal with it. I always thought it would change things and guess what, it doesn’t. My money struggles were small in comparison to what I dealt with this year. Money doesn’t make happiness, it doesn’t make problems go away and you can disagree with me all you want, but I lived it. If it’s not money you have an issue with, it will be something else, I guarantee it.
• There were times when I thought I was lost, but times I needed to fight back and stand up for myself and I did. I’m a fighter, I will always be a fighter, that will never be taken from me and when I need it most, it will shine thru.
• I didn’t lose any weight. I said I would, I didn’t, I am going to start trying again. I like to eat my feelings, in the form of pizza and I did that way too much this year.
• My business grew a huge amount this year. Such a blessing and a curse. I spent too much time away from my family working on things. I won’t do that next year. I will maintain the business, but am working thru the kinks.
• Scott & I both received promotions this year. We are so fortunate to have the careers we do but they come with a cost, the cost of a lot of stress and a lot of times of not being together at the same time. It’s a balance and we work on it always.
• The girls made me proud every single day. Between their grades, their sports, the way they handle themselves, their kindness, the list goes on and on.
• My grandpa died a week and a half after my mom. I still haven’t been able to grieve for him because I am so overwhelmed by losing my mom. I miss him.
• My husband is an amazing man, plain and simple. He makes me proud to be his wife every day, but this year was rough. He stood by me through it all, kept me going when I didn’t think I could. I can’t imagine my life without Scott with me every step of the way.

I always tell myself God won’t give us more than we can handle. I had to remind myself that almost every day this year.  There were days that I literally had to force myself to get out of bed and place one foot in front of the other.  There were days I was fine, smiling happily and boom, knocked over with one thought.  But when I look at the photos and all the happy times, I just am overwhelmed with how good life is.  For all the horrible, there is so much beauty.  For all the sad times, there are happy times.  For all the pain I have, I have so much joy.

I don’t know what next year will bring. I don’t know where I will be at the end of 2019.  I know that this year pushed me so far, but I didn’t break.  I wanted to, but I fought back. I will continue to overcome and I will continue to see all the joy and all the love and all the good times just like I am seeing with this year, but I am happy to say goodbye to the hardest year of my life.