Enjoy the Sh*t Storm

Do you ever have so much in your head that does not correlate to each other but the thoughts swirl around and you feel like you are going to drive your car into a tree?  No, oh, well then maybe it’s just me.  The last couple of days I have had so many random thoughts that I am going to just share them with anyone who wants to read because I honestly think it will make you feel good about your life.  I have said it before and I will say it again, I am like watching Hoarders.  You instantly feel better about your house when you watch…

Lucy starts Kindergarten next year and the end of the month I have to take her to the school to be tested for all the fun stuff they do. During that time I have to sit and listen to the principal speak about the upcoming year.  I asked if I could skip and I was told no.  I need to be 100 percent honest.  This isn’t my first rodeo.  This is my third kid.  Lyvia started Kindergarten in 2011.  I have almost ten years under my belt of school.  The minute Lucy gets in that school, she is not my problem.  Like, I am going to come to a rolling stop and she is going to tuck and roll as I leave.  Mom of the year over here, but I put down someone else’s contact information if there’s an emergency.  I will deal with her between the hours of 4 pm and 8 am, but beside that, congrats Watervliet Public Schools, it’s a girl.  So now I have to go sit and listen to what the principal has to say about don’t fear if they can’t read, they will and they will write and don’t worry, they will be productive kids.  I honestly wasn’t worried about that at all.  I am worried Lucy is going to tell someone to piss off because they don’t like the same Disney Princess as she does and then I am going to have to go to the school and deal with it while I have other things to do.  If you think I am serious about all this, you are partially right, but I will let you guess which parts are serious and which parts aren’t.

Pretty sure I have the best day every when I get the most likes on a comment to The Onion or Sanctimommy on Facebook. I feel like my life’s work has been met by commenting on stupid shit on the Internet that makes others laugh.  We all have goals, don’t be jealous that I have reached mine.

I had to go to the dentist yesterday because I have a tooth falling apart because I guess when you get older, things fall apart (you should see me naked). Anyway, as he is grinding on my teeth, there is a TV on the ceiling that is playing House Hunters.  Nice move dentist, I am now not pissed at you, I am pissed at the people in House Hunters.  House Hunters pisses me off.  Hi, my name is Becky and this is Roger and we have a very specific list of things we want in a house that include lakefront Chicago, two full bedrooms, our own ski lift, a parking garage just for us and a servant.  Our budget is $100,000 but we want some left over for furniture.  Here’s what we can show you, a she-shed that’s just an old outhouse in Watervliet Michigan.  Enjoy your view.

I have really let myself go. I mean really.  Last week, I could not find my pants.  I swear to god, I could only find one pair of dress pants.  I have no idea where they went.  The funny thing is, my house is clean, but still, no pants.  They finally reappeared this weekend, but yeah, I kinda just rewashed them and called it good.  I literally just half-dry my hair (on a good day), and throw on a little bit of makeup and call it good.  Even a few years ago I was dressing nice and doing my hair and makeup but now it’s like, “so if I stay in bed ten more minutes, I will have time to shower but not rinse.  Okay, that sounds good”.  I look like a dumpster fire.  I have a hair dryer that only takes three minutes to dry my hair, THREE MINUTES, yet I am like, I’m good, I would have to plug it in and that is exhausting.  I think I am turning into the woman in Wal-Mart (I hate Wal-mart), that is wearing the sweatpants that say JUICY on her butt, but her butt is eating the UIC and it just says J and Y.  Pretty soon I will just be hanging out at home with her cats because Scott and the girls have left me.

Softball season is upon me again. Oh how I love softball season.  I am lying.  I actually love watching softball but I hate the millions of practices the girls have and since they can’t be on the same teams due to age, I just live at the ball field.  So the other night I am sitting in my car being antisocial because I am fun like that and waiting for practice to be over at 7.  I am watching some other moms standing outside talking and I am like, wow, that seems nice, maybe I should do that.  Then I was like, no way, I don’t want to make conversation.  So while the moms are nicely waiting for their kid to finish up, it’s now 7:05 and I have my window rolled down telling Lilly to hurry up because I want to beat the rush at Taco Bell.  I have no idea what a rush at Taco Bell looks like, but I am a super supportive mom.

STOP using FACEBOOK live if you are looking directly at the camera. I want to see your Facebook live, I don’t want to see the camera just looking at you. It is the worst possible position to see someone in except their sex face, but sometimes I wonder if the sex face would look like the Facebook live face.  And only use Facebook live for something important.  Let me give you a breakdown of what Facebook live should not be used for:

A buffet line

Opening your mail

Getting groceries

A doctor’s visit

You pooping

Any type of sexual contact

You just talking to the camera while you pick your face

You at work

You just walking around

And finally, you having a good cry

Before Facebook live, did you get the big old video cassette recorder out and set it up and record yourself having a good cry and then send 1,000 copies off to your closest acquaintances? No, then don’t do it now.

BUT, please use Facebook live for things I cannot attend but want to see, like sports games or your kids concerts or fun activities. Totally cool, just don’t turn the camera on yourself.

Well, that’s all I had swirling around in my brain. I feel calmer and not so clustered.  Enjoy your day!